[Celestite]

Evening Dave and Gill!
How unfair is it that alcohol makes you utterly fearless but gives you a handful of left thumbs? My performance nerves always manifest themselves with the most dreadful shakes, not helpful in this profession, and I did once try beta blockers to combat this. They worked brilliantly for stopping the shakes but numbed the reactions to the extent that when one of "those" moments came where you think "oh heck (or words to that effect) what comes next?" there was no response and it took me a lot longer to get back on track (by bluffing my way through until I remembered what came next!) The only thing I've found which makes any real difference is just to keep doing it lots. I had to prepare for a diploma up in London once (no pressure!) and wanted to do well so I took a deep breath and for the fortnight preceeding the exam played to somebody at least once a day, preferably the scariest lecturers I could find at college. On the day, instinct took over and I got the best mark I'd ever got in any exam. I guess it's a case of what I said earlier about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
In my case, however much I would have loved to have been a concert pianist, although I have (or rather had) the ability, I just didn't have the nerves and self belief to make it, so I empathise entirely, Dave.

[dave brum]

Strangely, in terms of so-called Dutch courage, I have noticed that whenever I'm practising, I do need caffeine and lots of it. Don't know whether it's a side effect of the constant meds I have to take (it probably is) but I'm never without a cup of steaming hot tea in my piano/computer room. I think that alcohol works for pretty much everything else, in my case going to see my mother.

Think as this web topic is into two pages, we should swap emails or something via private message in order to stop it becoming the Celestite Brum 'n' Gill Show, and continue our little e-friendship that way before the moderators freeze us both out (if that is poss) of the forum

[dave brum]

I feel such a wally!

Thought I'd have a go at playing a little excerpt from Leopold Mozart's Minuet in D, one of my old exam pieces. As well as feeling the aforementioned wally, I feel emotionally and mentally drained. The piece had it all, accidentals, rests in odd places, you name it I murdered it.

Still no excuse for cowardice though, I'll be looking back on this with rose tinted glasses when I'm teaching my kids to play piano when they arrive.

Hasn't anybody suddenly wished that their piano would open up and swallow them or something

[Gill the Piano]

I've often cursed that poxy new mechanism on Kawais and Yammies that stops you slamming the lid in a temper when you've had a dreadful practice... Yes, I KNOW it achieves nothing, I KNOW it's not the piano's fault that I'm a der-brain, but it just makes me feel better...

[Celestite]

I am absolutely certain Anglo Saxon is the ancient language of frustrated musicians in the pre Prozac days

[dave brum]

Right, gonna have myself a couple of days away from here as I have a lot of reading material to get through, musical theory of course. And practising those exam pieces

Have a really grest weekend, see y'all in the early part of next week!

[Celestite]

Hiya Everybody!
Just an update on progress. I saw my mentor again today and came away truly inspired, as last time. It is so encouraging to hear a fellow pianist comment on just how (and I use her exact words) "bloody difficult" something is when I've been berating myself for not making better progress with it (in this case, a Scarlatti Sonata). She was hugely complimentary about my playing - I'm still convinced she's being overly kind and working on confidence building!
Anyway, I have come away enthused to get cracking in the morning when both little ones are out the house and who knows, I might even manage to get the impetus to go out in the conservatory and get it together with Roland once the kids are in bed during the school holidays (where I'd previously resigned myself to the fact I won't anywhere near the ivories for the next fortnight.)
Watch this space!

[dave brum]

I think you're gonna go a very long way with this Italian lady, dear Celestite.

And no surreal moments thrown in buck shee.

Now, do you feel more motivated to go and play than u did, say three months ago?

[Celestite]

Oh most definitely! I find my self working my schedule and juggling all the different balls in my pond around making time to fit in piano time as near to daily as I can, whereas before it was only happening when I had to, eg if I knew I had some accompanying coming up. It felt very odd going back to having lessons at first, especially with the first Psycho episode, but having found out that my current mentor has been in exactly the same situation and is coming from the same direction on this one (in fact she still sees a mentor herself periodically) I feel a whole lot less ridiculous about the whole thing and am looking forward so much to the time when I have unlimited access to the ivories.

[Celestite]

Ok Guys, moving on from the motivation theme, I'm now faced with another dilemma. Having got myself playing for 90 mins. most days and had another meeting with my mentor, she's now asking me to take part a) in her pupil concert in June and b) in an EPTA recital in October for accompnists.
I've whimped out completely on the June concert but would love to be able to say yes to the EPTA concert. Trouble is, I haven't given a public recital in years and when I did used to play in public the performance nerves had to be seen to be believed. Although my audiences always said how much they enjoyed my performances, to me, the nerves became very destructive (not least of all because of the amount they made my hands shake) and the whole performance became sheer torture for me.
I SO want to be able to do this! Any of you dear people out there have any suggestions and strategies for performing in public when the nerves are off the scale (oops, sorry about the pun) with the resulting plummeting of confidence?

[Gill the Piano]

Well, there are various homoeopathic remedies you can use (you need to consult a homoeopath because everybody's different and the remedies are also different according to character/temperament).
There's Bach Flower Remedies' Rescue Remedy - good stuff, works well.
There's meditation...or there's medication! Some performers use one beta-blocker taken before a performance which quietens the shaking and adrenalin response. Although a) there are those who say the adrenalin is what makes the performance, and b) if you're asthmatic they won't give it to you. You have to make it clear to your doctor that you only want ONE pill for ONE performance.

[Celestite]

Hi Gill
Thanks for the advice, sorry it's taken so long to respond - life, kids, the universe, you know how it goes!
I'm a big fan of homeopathy and the Bach remedies but I think mine is a psychological rather than a physiological problem and I don't have great enough mental control to get control of the rest of me on stage! It all boils down to knowing I can do it but not being able to prove I can do it (and I know all the psychology that lies behind that one, but as I said, I don't have enough control over my brain and the tangents it goes off on to be able to combat it!) I did once try beta blockers for a recital I gave but whilst they worked brilliantly on the shaking hands, they numbed the senses to the extent I had very slow reactions when I needed to be completely on top of things.
However, I survived an emergency visit to the dentist last week and had I known what lay in store I would have taken all the normal sedation I use just to get myself into the chair. Since I thought I was just going in for a diagnosis I didn't take anything and drove myself there. 2 hours later, after 30 mins of drilling and an extraction, I came out thinking "if I can do that, I can do anything"! So you never know, I may yet conquer this spectre which has haunted me all my playing years!

[dave brum]

Can anybody recommend a good exorcist for my fear of failure?

[Gill the Piano]

Bach Flower Remedies ARE for psychological problems as well as physiological, as is homoeopathy.
Dave; Face yourself in the mirror, breathing deeply and evenly. Close your eyes, still breathing deeply and evenly, in through the nose, out through the mouth. When you're fully relaxed, open your eyes slowly, look yourself in the eye and then slap yourself round the head, shouting the mantra 'SNAP OUT OF IT!'
Works for me...

[Celestite]

I've been meaning to consult a homeopath for all sorts of reasons for quite some time now. Perhaps it's time I stopped procrastinating........

[dave brum]

Yes it is, dear Celestite. You know it's naughty...

Do it tomorrow.